Friday 5:30pm
Arrive at Hotel after three hours of travelling, but at least I had a nice sleep for two hours parked on the M25 (it would have been longer, but I was driving after all). Struggle in with 5 cases, 2 suit carriers, 1 box of robots and a Vorlon cleverly disguised as a huge bin bag.
Personal note - next time I must break my foot again so Helen can deal with this.
Ask at reception to see if we can book a room for Sunday night, too. I don't think they believe my story about aliens changing the course of history with temporal technology we will never understand, necessitating my endeavour to return the continuum to normal, so they inform us that we'll need to book out by Sunday noon or they will charge us extra.
We register. I'm Green. Helen is Purple. Oh, dear - here we go again...

Dump stuff. Nip round to Sarah's for dinner hoping that she doesn't suggest Chinese after The Carpet Incident of '01. We order pizza. Phew! Rush back for opening ceremony. Missed the introduction of the guests and candidates for the Ruler of the Universe. Luckily, I'd read my Reports so could pretty much guess who everyone was. Helen looks confused.

After the "Obsidian" debarcle of '01, we find a table full of people who look like they know their sci-fi. At least we didn't come last. Want to go to disco, feeling full of energy after my little snooze on the M25. Helen's too tired so we decide to go and sit in on a panel about "Technology Trends". Panel turns into a six-hour marathon of physics, fields and phasers.
Eventually gave in and went to bed. Helen is muttering something about Sonic Screwdrivers and revenge. Decide not to enquire.

Saturday 9:00am
Today, we shall mainly be Centauri. Helen looks lovely as usual, even without any hair. Hair! Hezmana! I knew there was something I'd forgotten. Conveniently, there is a hairdressers on the Boulevard. Rush down to hairdresser with my crest all floppy. "I can't do a thing with it!" I tell the young lady behing the till. She looks nervous, but sells me a tub of "Custard" Hair Gel. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds.
Rush back to room where Helen custards my hair to bedspread, her fingers, a towel, and eventually up in a crest.

We run into The Regent (Damian London) on the way to breakfast. His crest isn't as custardy as mine - perhaps he's in disguise to avoid capture by Narn renegades. Apparently, on later B5 shows, they only employed men with long hair to be Centauri to save on wigs. The Regent assures me I'd have got a job. I wish someone had told me that ten years ago.

Saturday 11:00am
Sarah arrives. Went to see Damain's panel. What a nice chap, but for some reason he wants to be Joan Fontayne. Went for a drink to start as we mean to go on, and bumped into Damian again. We posed with the Regent for a photo. Then Mollari appeared - a glass of wine in each hand, a faraway look in his eye and barefoot. Charming! Nobody told me there was an Ascension Day party going on. Honestly, in the days of the old Republic...
The Regent and The Ambassador stagger off to their private party.

Saturday 12:00pm
Decide to have lunch at Sainsbury's. We can see it from the hotel, so it must be easy to get to. We adjust our SEP fields and step out of the hotel. Diced with death down the busy main road - perhaps the humans might have seen us better without our SEP fields activated? Ate lunch, did a little shopping, and ran into the Regent (again!) at the checkout. The Regent doesn't appear to be using an SEP field and he gets some odd, sympathetic looks from the checkout girl as he apparently chats to himself about the "funny money". I help him select some of the correct colour of cash-tokens to pay for his purchase. We call in at the Customer Service desk on the way out, and head back to the hotel.

Saturday 2:00pm
Emerge from Sainsbury's and spy the Regent using a secret entrance to the hotel up some steps, avoiding the main road. What a good idea... I hope it's not a passage for ruling Houses only. We follow the Regent, but he spots us and makes his escape.
Small band of Centauri sprint into the hotel. No sign of the Regent. We go upstairs to drop Sarah's coat off. Pass a room that looks remarkably like my workroom. Beds are leant up against the walls and someone is slaving over a hot sewing machine. The only thing missing is half a dozen swords, a pile of broken stereo equipment and solder in the carpet.
Bump into the Regent outside his room where he can't escape. Discuss American politics.

Saturday 2:00pm
Return to the bar. Helen accosts Piers Beckley (of the Technology Trends debate) and enters into a lively debate about Sonic Screwdrivers. Sarah and I distract Helen, who is holding a bottle and slapping it threateningly into the palm of her hand, by taking her to the Dalek Scalextric. We kick children off and spend happy half hour trying to make them fly over the ramp (The Daleks that is, not the children).

Saturday 3:00pm
Sarah disappears home to feed dogs. We go along to the Masquerade rehearsal, measuring the width of doorways as we go, as my Kosh costume is tricky to get into narrow spaces. Apparently, Zivic has also made a Vorlon costume for the Masquerade. I bet it's bigger and better than mine. Feign casual disregard, but am now concerned that my Vorlon won't satisfy the audience. What shall I do?
Helen assures me that Vorlon size isn't important, and it's what you do with it that counts. Suspiciously, both Helen and Naomi are dressed as different Farscape characters. Could this be a conspiracy? Now paranoid, I begin to look around for a handy dry-ice machine or a methane atmosphere to make my costume more spectacular and authentic. Zivic says his costume "is only thrown together and very rough". I hope he's right.

Saturday 4:00pm
Helen is distracted, and appears to be miming a striptease whilst Sarah holds a stopwatch. Interesting.

Saturday 5:00pm
Starving. Go to bar and order food. Apart from The Regent, we havent spotted any of the guests yet. Ambassador Mollari comes over and invites us to a party - finally! It's the Regent's Official Reception, not an Ascension Day Party. Even more prestigious. It clashes with our deadline for the Masquerade. Hope that The Regent doesn't notice us slipping rudely away after we've swigged the free booze. I reckon that if we leave about 6:30pm, that should give me just about enough time to clamber into the Vorlon encounter suit.

Saturday 6:10pm
No sign of Regent.

Saturday 6:20pm
Still no sign of Regent, but free booze has arrived.

Saturday 6:25pm
Someone opens the door, and everyone gets ready to bow. Sarah comes in. Everybody returns to free booze

Saturday 6:30pm
Some concern expressed about whereabouts of Regent.

Saturday 6:35pm
The Regent finally arrives. I propose a toast to him, the Republic and Redemption. (Something seems wrong with The Regent's crest but I say nothing... he is the regent after all). Swig the free booze, and we casually make for the door. Once outside, we run like mad to our room to get changed.

Saturday 7:10pm
Sarah helps me with engineering problem of getting into costume. From the muffled recesses of a Vorlon encounter suit, I can hear Helen making small, pained "Ook!" noises as she removes her bald head appliance.

Saturday 7:15pm
Halfway into costume. I can still hear Helen making "Ook!" noises. Sarah disappears beyond my limited line of sight. I hear the sound of latex snapping, a shriek and a series of thumping noises. Strange.

Saturday 7:20pm
Finally in costume, and I can stand up straight again. I can see a narrow strip of floor about an inch wide, and about half-a-meter in front of my own feet. Suddenly remember I need to switch Kosh's electroluminescent eye on. Sarah helps me off with helmet. Helen has transformed into Jool from Farscape.

Saturday 7:30pm
Sarah and Helen run off. I manage to find the doorway by bouncing off walls until the strip of carpet in my restricted line of sight changes colour. I have to be directed. Not the spectacular effect I was aiming for, but at least that way I don't end up in the laundry room or something. Masqueraders gather in wings. Zivic turns up with Kosh costume in black bin bag. I secretly hope he's going to publicly trash the costume. Naomi, dressed as Chiana from Farscape, helps Zivic into his Kosh. Damn, it's good... much better than he said earlier.

Wonder Woman keeps us entertained with a quiz. It's tricky... hang on... it's also familiar. Didn't I see that question pinned up in the lift? Realise at the same time as everyone else that she's getting us to answer the questions for the Wall Quiz competition. Wonder Woman distracts us by attacking Tom-Baker-a-like, who uses scarf to defend himself.

Leave Helmet off so I can watch Wonder Woman being attached by The Doctor's scarf.

Saturday 8:00pm
The Masquerade starts. Having volunteered Helen to go on first, I wiggle into my helmet and prepare to move out. Helen returns (I can tell by the perfume and squeak of leatherette). I make my way to the stage. Luckily someone, presumably Sarah, is guiding me - the PVC tape on the carpet I'm following leads directly to a lighting stand with fifty kilos of PAR spots on it. Damn. Should have scouted out that area more thoroughly. There is a round of applause. I hope it's for me, not the techie who's bravely supporting the lighting rig.

I eventually make it to the stairs to the stage. Ah. Problem number two. I hitch up my skirt and waddle onto the stage hoping that this is how Kosh would look if the set designers on B5 had put stairs in the Council Chamber for a laugh. Chris O'Shea asks me if I'm dressed as Kosh. "We are all Kosh", I reply in my best Vorlon accent. I hope everybody recognises me.

Manage to get back down stairs and return to the wings.

I hear music, applause and laughter. I see a narrow strip of carpet. I hope everyone's having a lovely time. It sounds like they are.

Am pushed out again to line up for the Parade. The Gorn song & dance routine wins (deservedly so) and there is a prize for Chiana. The Kosh Brothers Cabaret win a joint prize.

Decide to avoid stairs this time. Wander round and bump into the tall, slim Kosh. Someone says "Aaah, look... they're kissing."

Saturday 9:00pm
Helen pushes past and stampedes off to the loos to get changed. I manage to bump my way to the bar, and remove my helmet, where I order a beer with a straw. The barman looks alarmed as a wallett emerges from under my big gold dress. Manage to drink beer through straw, and bump back through the doors to stand at the back of the audience. I manage to catch the excellent bellydancers (and I consider myself something of an Arabic Dance expert these days), some great filk, and then it's time for Helen's stick dance.

Helen calmly arrives on time all radiant and glowing. Helen's Stick Dance lovely.

Saturday 10:00pm
Return to room. Sarah helps me to struggle out of the encounter suit. Emerge to find Helen gagging for a G&T, so we head to the bar. Helen engages fellow bellydancers in conversation about music as I order drinks.

We thank Sarah for her much appreciated help in being our Dresser, and Sarah heads home to feed her dogs.

Sat in the Boulevard and started serious drinking. Helen launches into her usual tirade about squirty foam in Irish coffee. Found someone else who does Historical Re-enactment like us - it's the techie lady who helped organise the Masquerade. I wish I could remember her name as we have a mutual friend... perhaps Helen will remember it.

More G&Ts.

Helen practices stick-balancing as she shimmies around the Boulevard. People dive out of the way.

More G&Ts. Helen becoming more erratic, and crashes into a circle of guitars demanding "Hotel California".

Helen pokes me in the eye with stick, and twiches in the direction of Mike Collins, muttering something about gold badges. I push her G&T into her hand to keep her quiet. Helen sings into the glass, slurring words slightly, then decides it's time to go to the disco. Rush do disco. Disco promptly finishes. Return to singing circle, where Mike Collins is holding a spangly gold stick just like Helen's.

Helen finishes another G&T and starts to forget the words to songs.

Sunday 2:30am
Carry Helen to bed.

Sunday 9:00am
Awakened by burst of energy from nearby. Struggle to peer through mild hangover have to see Helen whirling about the room. Turn over and go back to sleep.

Have strange dream about being attacked by a huge marshmallow. Wake up to find room empty and my DRD missing. Fall asleep again.

Have another weird dream about getting pushed under a waterfall. Wake up to find room empty - including my Vorlon. Fall asleep again.

Awoken by Helen returning from somewhere. My hangover tells me to suggest missing breakfast and the Tribble hunt. Exhausted by the expenditure of such energy, I drift off to sleep again. I hear strange wailing sounds as if from a long way away. It sounds like words. The words sound like "sleep... home... only do it once every two years... bed..." Unsure of the exact meaning, but not wishing to find out if it's what I think it means, my body is galvanised into action and I get out of bed.

Sunday 10:00am
Victorian for me today, I think. Helen dresses in Jool costume.
Time for breakfast!
Have to help Helen out of chair as she seems to have her skirt stuck.

Sunday 10:45am
Carry remaining luggage to porter's lodge. We ask Londo where the Holiday Inn is. Londo suggests we ask if any rooms are free here as there have been some cancellations.
Receptionist gives us our old room back again. Wish Helen hadn't emptied it now.

Sarah arrives feeling very delicate with potential onset of migraine and she doesn't even drink! I hope she's not having my hangover by proxy.

Manage to find a tribble in a potted plant, another hidden behind a curtain, and another preparing to leap from the first-floor piano balcony. I conceal them in my hat and sneak them back to Tribble Central.

Return to Boulevard to find Helen on her hands and knees looking under sofas for Tribbles. Realise that almost every male in the Hotel Boulevard is watching Helen. Suddenly Helen stands up pushing Tribbles down bodice. Looks like she's getting the hang of this hunting lark. Curses!

Sunday 11:30am
Realise that Helen has been taking part in filming. I put on my agent's hat and negotiate rates.
Personal note - contact Equity re: Non-payment from Wobblevision producer.

Sunday 11:50am
Looks like Helen is giving up. Heh heh heh... I make one more pass on the ground floor and find another Tribble hiding behind a fire door. Total now 6 Tribbles.
Damn! Helen found a Red Tribble (so she says)! She beats my 12 points with a resounding 17.

Sunday 12:00pm
Time for the Space Rats car race! Rush back to room to fetch my radio controlled DRD & Dayna's Bomb, and run to the Games Room.

We stand around for a bit. Start to feel like Billy-no-mates. I go to Ops to see who is running space rats. It looks like it's me. I return to the Games Room, declare a draw and claim my Green Drazi points. Give them to our glorious leader (Haha! That'll do us Green Drazi the power of good!)

We take DRD and Bomb out into the boulevard where they are immediately pounced upon by children. Children exercised mercilessly. I hope they don't fall to bits - I am the only one here who knows they're held together with Blu-Tack and poster paint (the cars, I mean, not the kids...)

Sunday 1:00pm
Sarah goes home for a lie down. We go to the bar. I spot Tanith Lee whilst Helen is ordering food. I am amusing Tanith with my hilarious story about where Dayna kept her bomb in "City At The Edge Of The World", when Helen leaps across the room in slow motion shouting "Noooo!" - just as I was getting to the punchline. Ah, well.
Helen strikes up a conversation about films, historical re-enactment and Sarcophagus.
Tanith's a lovely lady. I must get round to finishing my amusing story for her one day.

Sunday 2:00pm
We go to "Reminiscing about B7" mainly to find out what Chris Boucher looks like - the only guest who's eluded us so far. Helen asks a question about Travis - but not the Hairdresser Travis. The first one.

Sunday 3:00pm
Tanith's partner John asks Helen and I to pose for some photos. He professionally offers to show us his portfolio to prove he isn't some sort of pervert. Most honoured. Roam the hotel looking for a plain background. Find a good spot. John asks Helen to suck her cheeks in and pout, which Helen does to extremes. John explains that wasn't quite what he was looking for, Helen adjusts facial expression, and John shoots almost a whole roll of film - so something must be right.
Am required to look "moodily" into camera. I can do moody. Suspect John might turn me into Jack the Ripper with digital tomfoolery.

Sunday 4:00pm
Sarah returns for the closing ceremony. Purple win. Curses! The Doctor is unveiled as the most corrupt person at the convention and is therefore made ruler of the universe - he was trading Drazi points for votes! That's the last time I blag Drazi points for him. The cheek. That might be how they run elections on Gallifrey...
Prizes given out. Zivic and I get one each for our Koshes (Koshii?) Helen gets one for Tribbles. Wonder Woman erupts onto stage and attacks Chris O'shea with a fluffy Bat'Leth. She scares me.
The guests say farewell. Pleased to know we've raised Chris Boucher's opinion of the human race. All of the guests at Redemption have been marvellous.

We watch the chaos films. Decide Helen needs to work on her delivery & motivation. I might suggest a quick Method Acting course.

Sunday 6:00pm
Helen collapses in chair to worry about not going to the bellydance workshop. We return to the room for a shower and get ready to go out to Sarah's for dinner.

Sunday 7:00pm
Sarah's for dinner. Uh-oh... it's Chinese.

Thankfully, there is no repeat of The Carpet Incident.

Sunday 8:00pm
Manage to catch Mike Collins chatting to Pinky & Brain, and comandeer a couple of chairs. Turns out Mike has worked on some of my favourite 2000AD characters. Mike is ace and we engage in a lengthy conversation about comics. He even lends his Minidisc player to Helen to keep her quiet. Mike has some original Dredd & Rogue Trooper artwork with him. Very impressed.

The conversation moves on to costumes. Pinky wants the moon on a stick, quite literally. Mike suggests Red Sonja for Helen, and draws a terrific sketch. I wonder if Helen would feel OK wearing a (chain)mail shirt. She has a glint in her eye, and she asks me if it would be OK to borrow a sword.

Mike takes a picture of us - probably the only one all weekend where we weren't dressed up. It's bound to be a horrible sight.

We chat long into the night, and realise the bar is closing. Have to get night-porter to find us a decent quality whisky and pizza.

Monday 3:00am
Mollari lets his crest down, and reveals herself to be Leslie. Eveybody in the Boulevard now knows that Redemption '03 is officially over.

Would the last person to leave please seal the airlock.